There are times when I am alone in my office working on a project and enjoying a breath of solitude.  I turn around and my couch and chairs, which minutes before were filled with only laundry waiting to be put away, now also hold the expectant bodies of my children.  I have learned over the years that moments like these, when my children gravitate toward me, are too important to ignore.  Those times are as potent to my parenting as Miracle Grow is to the garden. It makes our communication bloom.

So my project du jour goes on hold, I swivel my chair to face them and we talk.  Often about nothing in particular but almost always about an important nothing in particular.  The essential thing is that they initiated the interaction.  They want something from me.  My challenge is to figure out what.  Are they in need of a project of their own?  Are they struggling with a problem?  Are they bored?  Overworked?  Tired?  Achy?  Hungry?  Frustrated? Do they just need a hug or some extra attention?  There are clues for each question.  Body language as well as verbal language.  And each child is different and has different ways of communicating those needs.

Toby, our youngest at 7, is still refreshingly direct.  He comes to me and speaks his mind: He wants me to play with him or fix him food or watch him play his computer game or see the castle he built down by the lake.  Simple and direct and easy needs to attend to.

Our three oldest are teenagers and their demands are more obtuse.  For them I often need more time together spent in idle conversation, giving backrubs, doing hair brushing, taking drives to the store, and just laying around together and cuddling at night.  Often it is only after those kind of preliminaries that real issues appear and I can begin my work as guide.

Not all of our communicating comes out of those wanderings into my office. There are plenty of other times when "seize the moment" is the best approach. Sometimes our kids are just so receptive to input - those are the easy times. And sometimes I have important things to say and all I get is resistance. The dilemma then is to know when to pull back and when to continue trying to pursue a topic that the kids seem unwilling to discuss.