February 2, 2000

Just the other day Toby, my 8 year old, asked me a question about death.  We were on the way to his weekly art class, alone in the car together, a special one-on-one time that we both look forward to, and he asked me what happens to a person's body when they die.  I love it when questions like this come up.  To me one of the most exciting parts of parenting is dealing with the challenges of fielding my childrens' questions.

Toby and I had talked many times before about death and dying, discussions that have always been initiated by him, and this time he wanted to know about coffins and graveyards and cremation.  We happened to be passing a small cemetery just as we were beginning our discussion so I made a quick u-turn, hoping the driver behind me wouldn't be too mad, and we took a slow stroll through the graveyard.  We read gravestone inscriptions, talked about why there were flowers on some of the graves and I explained how we were looking at lots of different family plots.  That was the father, that the mother and over there was a little baby that must have died just after birth.  That led into a discussion about how children live much longer now that they used to in the early 1900's because of better diets, improved hygiene and so many medical advances.

Toby's questions were simple and my responses matched his in simplicity.  It is important to know how much or how little information to give a child.  My kids have always made it easy for me to tell when my explanations don't match their needs.  Their attention wanders off.  Instead of wanting to continue the dialog by asking more questions, they make it perfectly clear that they want to do something else.

In this case, I told Toby how most people in our culture choose to be buried when they die and that means after death their body is placed in a box in the ground, buried and marked by a headstone with an engraved message on it. He wondered why the messages were so brief and I explained how each letter had to be carved by a stonecutter and how the family of the person who died usually paid for the inscription by the letter.  It took the stonecutter a long time to do that carving and he needed to be paid for his work so only a few words are usually written.  He asked about the flowers.  Why were they there and who put them there so I explained about that.  I didn't offer him any information about embalming or funeral services or religious explanations because I felt that he was not interested in that at the moment.  I tried to give him information that would satisfy his curiosity without confusing or complicating his thinking.

When we left the cemetery and continued on to class, I brought up cremation, what that means and how that is another method people sometimes choose to take care of a dead body.  I didn't talk much about cremation other than to tell him that the body gets burned up and the ashes are then given to the people who loved that person as a remembrance of them and that some people save the ashes in an urn or pretty jar and others choose to spread the ashes in a special place that the person they loved would have liked to be.  Toby just listened throughout all this and since he wasn't asking me any questions or talking about what I said, I sensed that he might be upset by the idea of cremation.  So I ended our talk by me telling him that cremation always scared me a when I thought about it because the idea of having my body burned up to ashes seems like it would be so painful.  But that I have to remind myself that people are dead when they are cremated and being dead means that they no longer have any feelings.  They are not alive and there is nothing to hurt anymore.  I told Toby that when I die I would prefer to be cremated and my ashes used to plant a tree and that by doing that I felt I could kind of live on in that tree and be remembered whenever someone who loved me looked at it.  After that I asked him if he wanted to talk about it anymore and he said no, so we continued on our ride, I put on a tape for us to listen to and we let the subject go.

The moments when interesting and challenging questions like this come up are frequent in parenting.  I have never felt there was any subject that I could not discuss with my kids no matter how young they might be.  It is all a matter of depth of discussion.  How deep to go into an explanation?  How much or little to say?  What kind of words to use?  The answer to these questions vary depending on which child is asking and how mature and ready they are for information.  When my 8 year old asks a question I use different language than I would with my teenagers but that doesn't mean I talk down to him.  I try to make my responses match his questions and if they don't he will let me know by losing interest.  When you look into your child's  eyes a parent can see if he is being frightened or upset and, if he is, then a parent needs to pull back a bit and ease off in how they are approaching the subject at hand. Even if a child does gets over-burdened with information it is not the worst thing.  A parent can always stop and apologize, admit they made a mistake and ask to be forgiven for upsetting the child.  There are important lessons in that act as well.  Children learn that parents can make mistakes and parents learn to treat their kids with respect by apologizing for their errors.

Certainly the fear of overloading a child with too much details about a sensitive subject should not be an excuse to avoid the discussion in the first place.   I think we as parents do our kids a dis-service when we shy away from sensitive subjects that the kids ask us because we might be uncomfortable with the subject ourselves.  There is nothing wrong with telling our children that a certain subject is hard for us to talk about but that doesn't let us off the hook.  All the more reason to explore the topic and by doing so prevent our children from feeling uncomfortable with it too.

The best part of meeting the challenge of answering your kids tough questions is knowing that the more you are open to their inquiries, the more inquisitive they will be.  I have told my kids so many times how much I love it when they ask me questions that make me think.  They know I enjoy the challenge of fielding their questions and that I love how we can share discussions on sensitive topics.  Aside from my husband, I enjoy talking with no one more than my kids.  The older they get, the more interesting people they become with fascinating minds and thoughtful insights.  I'm certain that the wide range of subjects we have explored over the years, together with the careful analysis and probing thought we have given to topics, has helped them develop into compassionate, open-minded individuals.   What better reward can parents receive than knowing their children enjoy talking to them and feel comfortable coming to them no matter how tough the question or problem.   It really is what parenting is all about and is a gift you give not only to your children but to yourself as well.